Norman Finkelstein’s True Identity Should Not Surprise You

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Norman Finkelstein’s True Identity Should Not Surprise You

If you've been even slightly engaged in the Israel/Gaza war over the last several months, you have no doubt heard of Professor Norman Finkelstein. I have many thoughts on Norm, ranging from the exploitation of his Jewishness to his incredible skin, but I want to focus now on the startling revelation that's been circulating in the news which is, frankly, not surprising but worth mentioning.

I am of course talking about the recent discovery that Norman Finkelstein is a cicada.

According to the reports, he was birthed underground to Holocaust survivors, where he lived for 17-years before emerging from the hard mud to feed on the local flora and make the moral case against Israel’s existence. However, unlike most cicadas, Norman Finkelstein did not perish in the cool autumn temperatures, but thrived on reading human rights reports (single spaced) over, and over, and over, again, nourished by the thought of one day telling people he had read them. After finding shelter in academia, Norman Finkelstein began a decades-long migration into our algorithms, where he ingeniously erodes the Truth by claiming to defend it. Most recently, he selected a suitable mate in Briahna Joy Gray and has begun to reproduce.

This bug-human hybrid now travels the world giving interviews about international law violation and debating amateur historians on CNN. He no longer teaches at a respectable university, however, and that is for one simple– and frequently overlooked– reason: He is a cicada. This also explains his inability to remember the names of the people he is being interviewed with, or even by. Cicadas, of course, have no frame of reference for names. They are, for the most part, nameless.

By now we've all seen the segment where Norm's hind legs protruded from his neck and he emitted a deafening mating call by vibrating a membrane called a “tymbal,” located over each of his ribcages. The host was patient enough to let him finish before pushing him on the next question, but for me it was a revealing moment. In the end, no matter how hard he tries Normans Finkelstein will return to form like all cicadas do, and all we will be left with is his hollow exoskeleton and the havoc he was wreaked on our Summers.

📖 People Love Dead Jews by Dara Horn. This book has wrecked me. For a week last month it took over my life as I neglected familial and fiduciary duties to devour the free audiobook on Spotify Premium. I then ordered a hard copy so I could learn it like a sacred text, before misplacing it and deciding I’m probably better off that way for the timebeing. As my dear (and beloved!) friend Iz Rubinestein said, if you want someone to understand what antisemitism means, give them this book. It’s haunting, personal, and educational without being preachy or alarmist. To paraphrase the author, the most frightening takeaway is that this dream we embody– that America is the exception to Jewish history– may turn out to be a delusion. If you want to understand our current moment, all moments leading up to it, and every moment henceforth, check it out 🤘🏻

UPDATE! He did it. He freekin’ did it. Mr. Edwards and the Minnesota Timberwolves beat the reigning NBA champions in a legendary comeback from 20-points down in the third quarter of Game-7 in Denver Sunday night. A close second to the watching this legendary game is listening to Bill Simmons talk about it. (And yes, I know BS can get annoying but I’m not there yet with him).

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Michael Weber is a writer and former host of a Japanese gameshow called “Gefilte Fish or Vomit??” where blindfolded contestants must guess if they’re smelling gefilte fish or vomit. If you received this email, you signed up for his newsletter at some point. If you'd like to unsubscribe, you must first find somebody else to replace you. Share a link to subscribe!