The Real History of Noah's Ark, Part-1

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In Today's Email  ✍🏻 "Noah's Ark"  | 🎙️ Ye  | ▶️ Standup

I'm trying something different this week. Below is the first part of a three-part short story of questionable taste and quality. I hope you enjoy! 

The Real History of Noah's Ark

Chapter One

It’s well known that it took Noah 120-years to the build his ark. But what isn’t as well known is the reason it took him so long. Some theologians refer to a long period that the Almighty gave the people of Noah's generation to repent, while others refer to Noah’s apprehension towards building it. Still others reference a much more controversial reason, which I happen to favor.

You see, when Noah was commanded to save a pair of animals from every species, he didn’t save the prettiest ones, or the most righteous of every species. Noah simply saved the ones that were closest by. There were tons of spectacular beasts living during Noah's time, the beauty of which we cannot imagine, who perished in the flood because they were too far away for Noah to bother. It's a shame, really, and it's this author's opinion that we don't talk enough about how lazy Noah was.

When it came to the camel, however, God had other plans. One camel– and only one camel– was designated for preservation by god.

And it was owned by a particularly egregious violator of human rights.

Now, in those days it was common practice to rape your friends and family. It was a large part of god's reasoning to drown all living things. Quite frankly, God found it grotesque. He finds it grotesque to this day. And so do I. But not the guy who owned the camel designated for preservation.

This guy was the Michelangelo of raping his family and friends. He’d lie awake in his straw bed before falling asleep at night and wonder how he got so damn lucky? His life on Earth was perfectly timed. In any other age he’d have been jailed or executed, but he found himself alive at a time when his behavior was not only tolerated, it was celebrated. He would arrive late to a BBQ, and from a distance his neighbors would raise their drinks to him, then discuss among themselves why they actually weren’t jealous of how many of his friends and family this man had raped. But secretly, they were jealous. And this guy knew it.

He loved raping his friends and family– which, again, I really do hate to reiterate because of how awful it is, but for the sake of this story it’s really important to understand because what this guy loved, even more than rape, was his camel.

How he loved that camel. He’d take it for long walks in the desert and chuckle at how rarely his camel drank water. “Not yet, camel, not yet,” he’d whisper, and pat it on its thick side. As they walked, he'd gaze upon his camel's hump and feel himself growing tumescent at the thought of his wondrous beast, then become frustrated that there were no friends or family close by to rape. But he’d be comforted by the thought that it was just him and his camel, all the way out there, alone, together.

(Sometimes he’d rape the camel, but that was very rare).

So when Noah received his commandment to save the camel, he was not enthused. Noah was in the enviable position of being off this guy's proverbial radar, and that was just where he wanted to stay. He was well aware that his chances of becoming a friend skyrocketed with every interaction, and so too his chances of being raped. And that was only if they became friends, or family. You can just imagine how this man treated his enemies. Taking this guy's camel away was unthinkable.

“Really?” Noah asked God. "You want me to build this ark and get that guy's camel?"

“Both things,” replied God. “And, generally, when I ask you to do something you can assume I mean it." 

Noah considered asking god to spare all of humanity and abandon his decree in favor of pity and compassion. That way, he reasoned, he wouldn’t have to confront this guy about the camel. But Noah didn’t do that. Instead, he spent year after year building the ark, and with each plank of gopherwood that Noah bent and fastened together, he grabbed more and more animals that happened to be nearby. And as his collection grew, Noah knew the day drew near when he'd have to get the camel.

"Noah? The camel?” said God.

“Literally heading out the door right now." said Noah.

“I'm not sure you are though.” said God.

“Fine!" said Noah. "Give me like ten minutes."

PART-2 COMING NEXT WEEK!

🎙️ Red Scare on Ye. Starts with a discussion on the anti-semitic undertones of #MeToo, then goes on to encourage more people with mental illness to speak out. The best part is about how Jews also get to partake in anti-semitism. Stzqarts around 1-hr in.

▶️ This might be my favorite late-night standup set ever. From Gary Gulman, the guy who called Dunkin' Donuts' "Bagel Eaters" ad campaign anti-semitic. It's old, and long, but man...

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