Never Use a Local Contractor

Author

Michael Weber
May 21, 2025

Never Use a Local Contractor

🔔 Hey Funk And Function Fam!

If you’re a fan of our YouTube page you’re already aware of how my wife and I literally transform our clients’ lives by transforming their houses into their forever homes. We use incredible design, local contractors, and sustainable materials to build homes that will last... no thanks to my wife’s funky design taste that ALWAYS puts us over budget! 

You’re probably also aware we’re getting a divorce. In Funk and Function’s eleventh season, we headed to Youngstown, Ohio to transform that community by hiring exclusively local craftsmen and craftswomen, and she cheated on me with the floor guy. The man’s a genius with hardwood. But, as a Christian, he’s got a hell of a ways to go. 

When you mix business and family like we did, there are some obvious issues that the court needs to sort out. I got the vacation house on Lake Michigan. She got the kids. Full time. No visitation rights. That viral clip of me from Season-7 berating the roofers’ ethnicity for splurging on Spanish tile hurt my case significantly. 

But then there were less obvious matters to settle.

Like what do we do with this YouTube channel? I worked hard for my million subscribers! I ain’t letting go of them that easy. So the judge came up with the unorthodox plan of splitting them down the middle. 50/50. Just like that. 

If you’re seeing this video your name was on my list. 

Now, if you loved our show for my wife’s statement bathtubs, I’m sorry. You ain’t getting none of that here. Godforbid you actually make a return on your investors’ money. I’m sensible, I work smart, and I never, ever, risk going over budget for the right indoor moss aquarium. If you want muted creams and dusty blues for your living room, in five years you’ll be legally allowed to subscribe to her channel again and get all that bullshit. Until then, you’re stuck with me. White paint, dark carpets, and a big ‘ol metal sink for your dishes. Simple, affordable, functional. That’s me. That’s you now, too. Get used to it.

Y’all? Homes need a foundation.  A good foundation. A strong foundation. A stable foundation. Before you go and make them all funky, you better make sure the dollars and cents work. If you don’t have that, well, you better go back to the blueprint. Because a few years down the line, even the smallest little crack can bring the whole thing down and now you’re off tearin’ it up and starting from scratch. There ain’t no amount of reclaimed wood that can make up for a bad foundation. 

Hey what do you think of “Bad Foundations?” That a good name for a show? Bad Foundations? Maybe we go to shitty little towns like yours and do some flippin’? 

Hell, we’re gonna be okay. Leave a comment if you know a good floor guy

When I was approached by YonaTees.com to be the very first sponsor of Context Is Everywhere back in January of this year, I thought I had finally made it. I called my son’s daycare and let them know he no longer had to stay late and clean up the toys as part of our tuition deal.

It became immediately obvious, however, that YonaTees.com never intended to advertise more than once. I called several times, only to be told that the number I was using belonged to the personal cell phone of the founder and he’d appreciate it if I called during business hours. I was unwilling to do that.

There’s a saying in marketing circles to “never beg your audience to advertise in your publication,” so I won’t. I ask you instead to imagine my adorable little 3-year old boy, staying at daycare until 11pm sanitizing those tiny little toilets just so you can enjoy these silly stories.

And after all that, I still recommend you visit YonaTees.com and support Israel by purchasing one of those amazing magnets they make. It’s just a good magnet. It can keep several thick bills hanging on your refrigerator for months.

If you’d like the founder’s number, I’m happy to provide it so you can ask for a discount.

As the war in Israel continues into its 19th month, even I’m beginning to burn out on defending everything it does. For the first time since October 7th, perhaps, I’m more and more interested in hearing critiques of the war from– and this is crucial– Zionists. This interview is with a rabid anti-Zionist, and is one of the most fascinating pieces of content I’ve heard in a long time. Despite what I think is a simplistic argument that is not grounded in facts or reality, I’m still able to listen and say, ”Huh, okay, I can see your point. Who knows? Maybe you’re right!” That’s because this woman loves the Jewish people. Which is not something I can say about this guy anymore. Start at 44:50 for the good stuff.

Straight up cried from laughter in the first three episodes of this show. I don’t know if it got me in the right mood or what. Have never liked Tom Segura’s standup and have never found his podcast particularly funny (although I really like it). Had no idea he had it in him. The casting alone is just spectacular. Please, go and watch.

This freekin’ guy. “Awesome. Awesome. Yeaaaaaaaaah…”

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Michael Weber is a writer who has a framed photograph of you, yes you Yosef Gillers, on his desk. If you received this email, you signed up for his newsletter at some point. If you'd like to unsubscribe, you must first find somebody else to replace you. Share a link to subscribe!