Ben's Bunkers

Building a Secret Bunker Is the Easy Part

Dear Sir of Madam,

Thank you for your inquiry into Ben’s Bunkers: The premiere provider of bunkers for the global elite. If you’re a billionaire looking to survive a war you possibly started, or you’re just looking for a quiet getaway 50-feet underground, the last thing you want is an unwanted guest knocking on your ceiling. That’s why at Ben’s we don’t just build you a secret bunker for a world-ending catastrophe… we do the hard work of keeping it a secret.

Below are the packages we offer. Please decide very carefully which works best for you, your surviving family members, and select friends who might remain useful in a world where love is a liability.

Silver Package $10,000,000

• Standard bunker in secure location

• Includes seven bedrooms, kitchen with canned goods provided by Michelin Star chef, rec room with Blu Ray library, mini-arsenal, and workout area.

• All workers throughout the duration of the bunker’s construction discreetly suicided to ensure your bunker’s location remains relatively unknown.

Gold Package $15,000,000

• All the amenities of Silver, plus:

• A Ben’s Bunkers tote

• All contractors and delivery people involved in the construction of your bunker will also be suicided to ensure your bunker’s location remains relatively unknown.

Platinum Package $30,000,000

• All the amenities of Gold , plus:

• All employees of Ben’s Bunkers with whom you communicated during construction of your bunker will be suicided to ensure your bunker’s location remains relatively unknown.

Palladium Package $25,500,000

• All the amenities of Platinum, plus:

• Disney+, Hulu, and ESPN

• Neighbors of your bunker’s secret location will be suicided, in the highly likely event that they noticed something weird being built on your property and went to go check out if a bunker was being built and will definitely head there in the event of a catastrophe. 

• I’ve seen it happen multiple times and it can get quite uncomfortable.

Iridium Package $50,000,000

• All the amenities of Palladium, plus: 

• Let’s be frank. We can suicide half the planet, but as long as I’m still around your bunker’s location will never remain fully a secret. 

• But you can trust me.

Double Iridium Package $75,000,000

• You think you’re the first billionaire to consider it? You really think disappearing me makes you any safer? 

• Even if you were to get to rid of me, you can’t be sure I never mentioned your bunker’s location to any of my colleagues, friends, family, or mental health professionals.

• For 75 bricks I’ll do them all. I don’t give a shit anymore.

Triple Iridium Package $150,000,00

• You were a fool to trust me. Have you been paying attention? Now is when the real bunker building begins.

• What you need is a secondary bunker. Your primary bunker was corrupted the day you decided to build it. 

• But guess what? I’m practically already at your secondary bunker with my own stupid family– who I never off’ed by the way– knocking on the alternate entrance you didn’t know even existed.

• For 200 mill– UPFRONT– I’ll do myself. Really, I will. I know it doesn’t make sense but, frankly, at this point the only thing that terrifies me more than the apocalypse is surviving it.

Infinity Package $0.00

• I’m a coward. I couldn’t do it. I got real close, too. But end of the day? I just couldn’t do it.

• Just you, me, and the tote bag in the bunker. Forget everyone else. I’ve spent the last two decades of my life suiciding so many day laborers and employees, I forget why I even do this in the first place. I don’t think it’s for the money anymore. I’m practically a billionaire myself now.

• Word has gotten around, which obviously has made it quite difficult to hire. I can’t sleep, I don’t eat. 

• Psychedelic therapy apparently doesn’t work on me. 

• I’m quiet, useful, and numb. Maybe there’s something there, maybe not, I don’t know. 

• But we’ll take good care of each other. I know we will. 

• Perhaps, we even fall in love. 

• Not at first, but slowly. It’ll be practical at the beginning. More like companionship. But over time it’ll deepen. 

• We’ll teach one another to trust again. 

• I don’t have all the answers. I just want to be safe. With you. 

• Whaddaya say?

When I first discovered audiobooks on Spotify, I couldn’t believe it. Was someone really reading these books word for word, recording it, and then making them available for free with a monthly subscription?

How could we be sure the books were truly being read word for word? I mean, who’s verifying that?

Well, Context Is Everywhere has put that question to rest with a yearlong investigation that spanned three continents. It’s the reason it’s taken so long between newsletters! And now that we’ve finally confirmed that these audiobooks are indeed a word for word replica of the printed books, we can once again send weekly issues and begin repaying the large loan we were issued by our friends at Horwitz Cash Advance.

If you find yourself embarking on massive projects that require tons of time and manpower without a clear idea for how accomplishing your goal can ever even lead to a financial outcome, then you ought to reach out to our friends at Horwitz.

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My complicated relationship with Ezra Klein continues with this fantastic interview with John Ganz. This is the best high-level breakdown I’ve seen of what’s currently happening on the right (and I’ve seen A LOT of these breakdowns). I”m still surprised by their inability to see the same forces on their side of the aisle, which raises an interesting question for me: Can you discuss the issue of antizionism as antisemitism without conceding that there’s a religious dimension to judaism in addition to an ethnic one? Is that why the Right finds it easier to equate the two, while the Left can’t?

Obviously I love The Chair Company. But Episode-5 went to a whole new level for me. The question for me that permeates the series is whether Tim Robinson can do what makes I Think You Should Leave so great within an extended season, and this episode answers that question definitively. Possibly one my top-10 TV episodes of all time for that reason.

I’m pretty convinced Mamdani read this book before he decided to run. Besides for the obvious graphic design similarities to his campaign, it explains how the issues in NYC that Mamdani ran on came to be. It chronicles the years 1986-1989, after NYC essentially sold itself to private business after near bankruptcy in the 70s, and experienced a rebirth. But that rebirth created a crisis of homelessness and unaffordability that exists to this day. It’s also a great profile of Ed Koch, who I feel like is ripe to be the subject of an A24 biopic.

The first few of these really, really, got me. (HT to reader Sarah W. for the recommendation!)

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Michael Weber is a writer whose interview of Nick Fuentes got like zero attention and it’s not fair. If you received this email, you signed up for his newsletter at some point. If you'd like to unsubscribe, you must first find somebody else to replace you. Share a link to subscribe!